How to Support a Child Struggling With Depression Without Losing Yourself as a Mom
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Learning how to support a child with depression without losing yourself as a mom is something no one prepares you for—but so many of us are living it every day. When your child is hurting, it’s natural to put your own life on hold, believing love means sacrifice at all costs. But after walking through years of depression with my son, I learned that supporting a struggling child doesn’t mean shrinking your world to match their sadness. Sometimes, the most powerful way we help them heal is by showing—through our own lives—that joy, grounding, and hope are still possible.
A few years back, my friend Carol shared a piece of advice her therapist had given her:
“A mother can only be as happy as her saddest child.”
At the time, those words hit me like truth wrapped in a punch to the gut. I carried that line around for years, repeating it in my head whenever things got tough with my kids. But I didn’t fully understand what it meant until recently—until life forced me to slow down and really look at myself.
For almost a decade, my son has battled severe depression. And about three years ago, I stopped everything—my routines, my hobbies, my plans, my sense of forward motion—to focus completely on him. When your child is hurting that deeply, it becomes instinctual to shrink your world to match theirs. You almost feel guilty being okay while they’re not.
I encouraged him to try and do things, even on the days he could barely get out of bed. I offered advice, activities, pep talks—anything I thought might help pull him out of the heaviness.
But looking back now, with clearer eyes, I can see something I couldn’t admit then.
I was being hypocritical.
I wasn’t getting up and at ’em.
I wasn’t living life to the fullest.
I wasn’t doing the very things I was encouraging him to do.
Whether I meant to or not, I was modeling staying stuck.
Instead of showing him how to reach for joy, I sat with him in his grief, believing that presence alone was the answer. And yes—love and presence matter deeply. But so does showing our kids what hope looks like in action. Not pretending everything is okay, but living in a way that quietly says:
“Even in the hard seasons, life still holds good things—and you deserve to experience them.”
It took me years to realize that loving a hurting child doesn’t mean shrinking your life down to their lowest point. It means holding space and compassion while still taking steps toward your own healing, your own joy, your own groundedness.
Because our kids don’t just hear what we say.
They watch what we do.
And the truth is simple, even if it’s painful to admit:
I can’t teach my son to find happiness if I’ve stopped looking for it myself.
So now, I’m learning to live again—not in big, dramatic ways, but in the small daily bits of life that remind me who I am outside the role of caretaker. I’m showing him, by example, that sadness doesn’t disqualify us from joy. That healing isn’t linear. That life can be heavy and beautiful at the same time.
How to Support a Child With Depression Without Losing Yourself
Supporting a child with depression doesn’t come with a handbook, and every family’s experience will look different. What matters most is staying connected—to your child, to yourself, and to the small moments of hope that exist even during the hardest seasons.
What I’d Tell Another Mom Going Through This
If you’re a mom sitting on the edge of your child’s pain, wondering how to hold it all together, here’s what I want you to know:
You are not failing.
Even on the days you feel like you have nothing left to offer but your presence, you are doing more than you realize. Sometimes being there—quietly, consistently—is the bravest kind of love.
You don’t have to make yourself small to prove you care.
Shrinking your life down to match their sadness doesn’t take away their pain—it just adds more weight to you. And you deserve light, too.
Please don’t wait for your child to be okay before you let yourself live.
I did that for years, and it helped no one. Your joy doesn’t betray your child. Your joy shows your child what healing looks like.
You are allowed to do things that make you feel human again.
Go for that walk. Read the book. Light the candle. Make the dinner you actually want. Small things count. Small things add up.
You don’t have to fix everything.
You are not your child’s therapist, doctor, or entire support system. You’re their mother. And that role—steady, loving, imperfect—is enough.
Your child needs to see you choosing yourself sometimes.
Not instead of them, but alongside them. When they see you getting back up, even slowly, they learn that getting up is possible.
You deserve support, too.
Talk to someone. Anyone. Another mom, a therapist, your partner, or the friend who instinctively knows when to show up with coffee. You can’t pour from a cup that’s been empty for years.
Most importantly:
You are not alone, and you don’t have to carry this season in silence.
Every day you show up—even tired, even scared—is a victory. And your efforts, even the ones that feel invisible, are planting seeds that will bloom later.
If you or somone you love is struggling there is someone available to listen. You are not alone, reach out to Nami.org or the suicide and crisis hotline by dialing 988. To find services available in your area dial 211.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I support a child with depression without losing myself?
Supporting a child with depression starts with compassion and presence, but it also requires caring for yourself. Moms can support their children while staying grounded by maintaining small routines, seeking support, and modeling hope through everyday actions.
Is it selfish for a mom to feel happy when her child is depressed?
No. A mother’s happiness does not take away from her child’s healing. Modeling healthy coping, joy, and resilience can help children see that life can still hold meaning even during hard seasons.
What should moms avoid when supporting a depressed child?
Moms should avoid carrying the entire burden alone or believing they must fix everything themselves. Support works best when paired with professional help, boundaries, and self-care.
Can my behavior really affect my child’s mental health?
Yes. Children often learn how to cope by watching their parents. When moms model groundedness, patience, and healthy ways to find joy, it can positively influence a child’s emotional healing.
