Five Words That Changed My Son’s Recovery

“Can I Ask You Why?” — The Five Words That Changed My Son’s Recovery

The first time I walked into a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meeting, I remember hearing the term “Dual Diagnosis” for the first time. At that moment, I looked around the room and thought, “Wow, we are the lucky ones. We don’t have to deal with multiple things.” I was wrong. I just didn’t know it yet.

For many of us, the hardest part to understand is how a loved one can fall into a pattern of self-destruction. When you watch someone you love suffer through deep depression or a break from reality (psychosis), you see them reach for a drink or a drug and you want to scream. You know it won’t fix the problem; you know it will only make it worse. You watch them reach a year of sobriety—a mountain of an achievement—only to fall back into the same pattern.

Learning from Dr. K: The Power of Curiosity

Over the past two years, my son’s amazing doctor, Dr. K, has taught me a different way. She was the first doctor among dozens who made us feel truly heard. She listens with a rare kind of compassion, and she always leads with five specific words: “Can I ask you why?”

Those five words have changed the entire outcome of my life and my son’s journey.

When you ask “Why did you do that?”, it instantly puts a person on the defense. They feel judged, ashamed, and on guard. But when you ask it the way Dr. K does—softly, as a request for understanding—it makes everyone soften. It invites the other person to think about their answer instead of just reacting. It shifts the dynamic from a confrontation to a collaboration.

I Know My Son’s “Why”

I have spent the past few years listening, learning, and being his rock. Through that closeness, I have come to know exactly what he majority of my son’s “why” is. He carries a list of diagnoses that unfortunately match the number of prescriptions he has to take every single day. It is a heavy burden for anyone to bear. Our goal together is to slowly work through some of his whys, and we pray that eventually, as the “whys” become less heavy, some of those medications can be reduced.

We both know that drinking isn’t going to help. I know that, and deep down, he knows that too. But on the days when this sickness—a sickness he truly does not deserve—is at its absolute worst, I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand his why.

The Strength of a Resilient Fighter

It is extremely painful to watch a loved one keep falling down. You want to reach out and catch them every time. There are days I wish I could simply carry his pain for him, just so his whys wouldn’t feel so heavy on his shoulders.

But as I have said before, he is a resilient fighter. Every time he falls, he finds the strength to get back up and try again. I admire that resilience in him more than words can say. He is learning a little more each time, even when the path is rocky.

A Suggestion for Every Parent

If you have a child experimenting with drugs or alcohol, or a child who is struggling with their mental health, I strongly suggest you resist the urge to lecture. No one ever woke up thinking, “I want to be an alcoholic.” It was the “why” that drove them to that point.

Calmly sit them down and say: “Can I ask you why?”

It might be the first time they’ve had to really look at their own pain without feeling like they are “bad” for having it. It could change the entire outcome of their life.

If you or somone you love is struggling there is someone available to listen. You are not alone, reach out to Nami.org or the suicide and crisis hotline by dialing 988. To find services available in your area dial 211.

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